


The Healing

by anxiousravenclaw



Series: Lost Loki [4]
Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Brother Feels, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Love, F/M, I'm Bad At Titles, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Innocent Loki, Loki and Thor are related, Loki is not adopted, M/M, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Poor Loki (Marvel), Protective Thor (Marvel), Rape Aftermath, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tags May Change, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Underage Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-14 08:05:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14765750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxiousravenclaw/pseuds/anxiousravenclaw
Summary: Loki deals with everything he has tried to hide from.





	The Healing

**Author's Note:**

> I did do quite a bit of research for this so hopefully it comes out somewhat accurately and believable

"Loki, do you know where you are?" A kind female voice asked him. Loki stayed quiet. He knew where he was, but he wasn't going to say it out loud.

After Loki had tried committing suicide on the bridge and he had been taken to the hospital the doctors had questioned him relentlessly on everything. Why he tried to end his life? If all those pale scars on his arm were self inflicted? Why he cut? Did he intend to bleed out when he had cut his wrist? And then when Thor had blabbed about his drinking they questioned him about that. But Loki stayed quiet and limp the entire time. He wasn't sure what he was feeling. He seemed to be feeling a combination of numbness, dread, anger, resignation, and sadness. He wasn't sure which emotion was the strongest.

Eventually the doctors had left to talk with his parents while he laid on his white and uncomfortable hospital bed, staring at his bandaged arm. He would later find out that his parents had been told that he was suicidal and struggled with self harm, alcohol abuse, and possibly had anxiety, depression, and PTSD. It was for that reason that Loki was here now, at some mental health hospital where he would be staying until he made some progress and the doctors thought he was well enough to leave. So far, though, Loki had stayed silent since he had cried in Thor's arms on the bridge and he had no plans of talking soon. He didn't want to. He also didn't eat or sleep much. He also hardly left his bed or room, even when he had appointments to talk to some of the doctors or when his parents and Thor came to visit. He didn't care about any of that. And, eventually, they would leave him alone for the day.

<><><><>

Loki had nightmares nearly every night. They were all the same. He was being chased and he was scared and he was already hurting and it was dark. And he kept looking, looking for something, but he couldn't find it. But he needed to find it, it was the only thing that would help him. But it was always out of his reach or it just wasn't there and then he'd get caught, he'd get hurt, and then he would see him. Thor, looking for him but not being able to find him and then Loki will be taken far, far away from him. And Loki would call out for him, for Thor, but he never heard him and then he'd be gone for good.

He would always wake up in a cold sweat, gasping for breath and curled up on his bed, and for that tiny moment, he'd wish Thor was here.

<><><><>

After a couple more days of Loki not eating, sleeping, or leaving his room a new doctor appeared, sitting at the far edge of the wall. Loki eyes him warily, he didn't trust men he didn't know, for good reason.

"Hello Loki, I'm Dr Banner, I was asked to speak with you."

Loki stayed silent.

"You seem a little pale, have you been having trouble sleeping.

Silence.

"Some of the attendants heard you shouting at night, are you having nightmares?"

Loki stiffened but remained quiet.

"Loki, you can trust me, I won't hurt you."

_Lies._

"I spoke to your parents and brother yesterday, they were hurt you refused to see them again."

_They're the ones that put me in here_.

"Is there a reason for that?"

Loki shook his head and places his hands on top of his crossed legs, he suddenly felt tired and he rubbed along his left wrist where a bumpy scar was starting to appear.

"Thor seems to think you hate him, do you hate your brother?"

Loki furrowed his brow. _Why would he think that?_

"He blames himself for what happened to you at that party. Do you blame him?"

Loki didn't, he never did.

"Why don't you want to talk Loki?"

Loki shut his eyes tightly and shook his head, this was too much.

"I'll leave you for now but I'll be back to talk to you Loki." Dr Banner said and left the room. Loki went back to rubbing at his newest scar and shut his eyes.

<><><><>

Odin and Frigga stood when they saw Dr Banner approaching, Thor stayed seated.

"How is Loki doing?" Frigga asked, concerned in her eyes and wringing her hands together.

Dr Banner sighed softly, "Loki is still not speaking and he's still not eating or sleeping, I believe he's having nightmares."

"Is there a reason why?" Odin asked, his brow furrowed.

Dr Banner gestured for them to sit down and took a seat himself. He went through a few papers of what were Loki's files and records. He looked through them a little while before looking up to speak to Odin and Frigga.

"What we all have to understand is that Loki had gone through an extremely traumatic experience. He had been singled out and dragged away from the relative safety of the party and he had been isolated in that pool house with his abuser for an hour, maybe a little longer. From what I can gather from these papers is that Loki had done his best to block out the majority of the act of the rape itself, but not the pain or trauma itself. I won't know for sure until I can get Loki to talk to me but I suspect that what has frightened him and affected him the most, mentally, is what he was feeling throughout the entire attack."

"What do you mean?" Frigga asked.

"Most victims of trauma tend to be the most affected by feelings of fear and helplessness following the attack. These feelings tend to stay with them, getting stronger and stronger until it's all they feel. They're constantly on guard, waiting for something to happen, they distance themselves, they become prone to developing anxiety and depression, it can also make them feel panicked and alone. Now. from what you have all told me, especially Thor, I think this has been what Loki has been feeling these past few years. But Loki isn't trying to confront these fears, he's hiding from them, he's trying to pretend like none of this had happened to him and he's been trying to deal with it all on his own.

That's what led him to self harm, in an attempt to silence the thoughts and memories and give him a sense of control, I also suspect as a result of shame, that he blames himself for what happened and he's unconsciously seeking to punish himself. That has also led him to drinking in an attempt to drown all that I have mentioned but it only makes its worse, alcohol consumption just worsens the trauma and increases the feelings of loneliness and depression and anxiety. Then when you add the fact that Loki had learned that his abuser was getting out early, it led him to panic. He already felt alone and helpless and his growing panic and anxiety led him to believe he would be in danger again, that he will have to go through all he had already gone through over again. He felt hopeless and that's what ultimately led him to try and commit suicide. He saw no other escape and he already felt alone and helpless and he wanted it to end. This is all speculation as I still have to speak with Loki." Dr Banner finished explaining and they all sat in silence as they took in everything the doctor had said.

"Is it our fault then, for not helping and being there for Loki as much as we should have?" Frigga asked worriedly.

"No, not at all," Dr Banner assured her, "you were all no doubt trying to give Loki space and not wanting him to talk or relive something he has no desire to. Loki himself probably also didn't know what he needed to help him, and still doesn't. But now we can try to help him, it's not too late but it will be slightly difficult. If we're all patient and supporting Loki should be able to go back home. I will continue to try to get Loki to speak with me, once I do I'll see if my suspicions were correct and then we'll have a plan."

And Dr Banner did continue to see Loki everyday.

<><><><>

"Why do you keep coming back?" Loki asked hoarsely, his voice having become unused to being used.

Dr Banner had been visiting Loki a few times everyday, trying to get him to talk and attempting to coax him into eating. He had gotten to get Loki to eat a few bites of food every now and then and now he was cleaning off his plate. But he was still looking pale and he had dark circles under his eyes and he was constantly pulling on the hem of his shirt, they wouldn't allow him to wear long sleeves so they could keep a close eye on his forearms and make sure he wasn't harming himself. This was also the first time in nearly two weeks since the night at the bridge that Loki had spoken.

Dr Banner smiled gently at him, Loki eyed him suspiciously, and said, "I want to help you Loki and I need you to talk to me in order to do that."

"I don't want to talk." Loki snapped and coughed a little, his throat feeling hoarse. 

"Why is that?" Dr Banner asked softly.

Loki shrugged. "I don't know. What's the point of talking about anything?"

"To get an idea of what you're going through, what you're feeling, so we can help you." 

"What makes you think I need help?"

Dr Banner simply raised his eyebrows but stayed silent. Loki squirmed under the silence and twisted his hands in the hem of his shirt. He felt pathetic, like a small child being disciplined for nothing. He didn't do anything wrong so why was he locked up?

"You're upset?"

Loki huffed but stayed silent, rubbing at some of his scars.

"You can talk to me Loki, you can trust me." Dr Banner assured him.

"Why?" Loki snapped again, "Because you say so? How do I know I can really trust you, that all you really want is to help me?"

"Would it help if we had someone in the room with us that you trust? If you're worried I'll hurt you we can do that to bring you comfort." Dr Banner suggested.

"I don't trust anyone here?" Loki muttered and Dr Banner could see that Loki was closing in on himself again.

"What about your parents, or your brother? Would you be comfortable talking with me with one of them in the room with us?"

"Thor," Loki let out quickly without looking at the doctor, "I want Thor."

Dr Banner smiled. "I'll call Thor and see if he can make it here tomorrow."

<><><><>

Thor had been more then delighted to hear that Loki wanted him in the room while he talked to Dr Banner, even if it was just because he didn't trust the doctor. Now, though, he worried about what he might hear and if maybe Loki wanted him there just so he could blame him for everything that had happened to him in person. If he did he more then deserved it.

He was let into Loki's room by one of the nurses and he found Loki sitting cross legged on his bed and taking a bit of an apple. Loki looked up at him and Thor took in the sight of his brother. He was a little thinner and Thor suspected it was from the days he had refused to eat anything. He was also much paler with dark circles under his eyes, his black hair looked stringy and greasy as if he hadn't washed it, and the scars on his arms stood out even more. He also just seemed tired.

"Hey." Loki said as he took a huge bite of the apple.

"Hey." Thor responded heading over to sit on the edge of the bed. They were quiet as Loki continued eating the apple before getting up stiffly to throw away the apple core and then climbing back on the bed.

"How you been?" Thor asked awkwardly.

"Grand." Loki answered sarcastically and Thor sighed as the door opened and both brothers turned to see Dr Banner entering the room. He greeted both brothers before sitting on a chair in the corner.

"So, Loki, how have you been sleeping?" Dr Banner asked.

Loki scoffed and Thor turned to look at him with a frown, Loki noticed. He groaned deeply and said in an annoyed voice, "Not well."

"Have you been having nightmares?"

Loki's hands twitched. He didn't want to admit it, it made him sound like a frightened child. But he was too tired to pretend so, begrudgingly, he nodded his head.

"What are your nightmares about?"

Loki grimaced and his eyes flashed towards Thor before asking, "Do I have to say?"

"It'll help if you talk about them." Dr Banner insisted.

Loki pulled at the blanket on the bed and shot another glance at Thor before sighing. "Fine. I dream that I'm being chased by something and I don't know, but at the same time I do, by what. It's dark and lonely and I'm scared and I'm hurting and I'm looking for something, someone, to help me. But I can't find anything and I start to panic. Then I get the feeling that what's chasing me is about to catch up to me and that's when I see what I'm looking for."

Loki remains quiet for a bit too long so Dr Banner asks, "What were you looking for?"

Loki had been scooting back and sinking against his pillows as he was talking and he's shivering slightly and wraps his arms around himself as he whispers, "My brother."

Thor starts when he hears that but he stays quiet as he hears the doctor ask, "And what happens when you see him?"

Loki bites his bottom lip before saying, "Nothing. I can see that he's looking for me, that he's calling my name but he can't find me, can't see me even though he's looking at me and I'm calling out to him also. Then I feel something wrapping around me and pulling me into the dark and I get this feeling that if it succeeds in pulling me in the dark then I'm lost forever, I believe to it now and no one will find me. I start trashing and calling out louder for Thor but he doesn't hear me, he doesn't see me, and then I'm lost to the darkness."

Everyone is silent for a while and Thor takes a risk and reaches to grasp Loki's hand, and he lets him. Dr Banner studies them carefully for awhile before asking Loki, "Is that what frightens you? That your brother won't be able to find you again? That you'll be completely alone and there will be no saving you? Is that what led you to feel so helpless at the bridge that you thought the only escape was jumping from it?"

Loki tenses under the onslaught of questions and says nothing, just presses his lips into a tight line and grips Thor's hand tightly. He's surprised when he realizes that Thor is gripping his hand tightly as well and looks towards him and his shock widens. Thor is scowling and his eyes are shining with unshed tears that he seems to be fighting back. Loki pulls on his hand gently and when Thor turns to look at him he murmurs his name softly in a silent question. Thor turns his face away for a second before facing Loki again and hesitantly asks, "You really do blame me don't you?"

Loki tilts his head and squints his eyes, confused by Thor's question. "For what? For, for what happened at the party?"

"I know it's my fault, I know it is. I took you to that party and I.... I just forgot about you. I didn't think to check on you or to even know where you were, hell, you might have been hungry or something and I didn't even bother texting you. I didn't bother to look for you until I thought it was a good time to leave. Mom and dad left me in charge of you and I didn't watch over you like I should have. None of this would have happened if it wasn't for me." Thor let out weakly.

"You are an idiot." Loki snaps and Thor looks at him in surprise.

"What?"

"None of that makes it  _your_ fault. _My_ phone had died so I couldn't text you either. _I_ left the room to look for you. _I_ talked to someone I didn't know and mistakenly thought I could trust.  _He_ dragged me to that stupid pool house.  _He_ beat me, attacked me. He-he.... raped me... And I was too... too weak to fight him off. It's my fault, I let him rape me and I'm just so afraid that he'll find me again and finish and you won't be there to help me and I can't, I can't go through that again. I don't want to." Loki pulled his hand back from Thor's and turned away so neither his brother or the doctor could see him. He hadn't meant to say all that, but he couldn't keep letting Thor blame himself for something that was never his fault.

"Loki," He heard Dr Banner say softly but did his best to ignore him, "you have to know it's not your fault either, the only one to blame is the man who attacked you."

"And he won't ever get near you again, Loki. I won't let that happen." Thor swore.

"But you won't always be there. And what if you can't find me?"

"I will, I always have. I was the one to find you on the bridge, remember? I'll always find you Loki." Thor insisted. Loki merely sniffed, finding it hard to entirely believe Thor.

"Loki, I think what we need to focus on is helping you find ways to better deal with your anxiety and fear so they don't overwhelm you as much or leave you to feel so helpless and alone again. That's what's doing you real harm, you haven't properly dealt with your trauma, you've just been hiding from it." Dr Banner said softly, keeping his gaze on Loki.

"I don't want to." Loki whined pitifully.

"You have to if you want to get better. You do want to go back home don't you? You don't want to live in constant fear and panic? And, tell me honestly, now that you are in safety and no longer feel that crushing panic, do you truly still wish to die?"

Loki could feel two heavy gazes on him and he bowed under their weight. The truth was that he didn't. As angry and defeated as he had felt when Thor had pulled him back he also felt.... relief. He didn't want his life to end like that and he didn't want to keep living how he has been these two years. Hiding from this like some coward, being overwhelmed by all these feelings or by a numbness that left him feeling like he wasn't himself. He was letting this win and it was pathetic. He didn't want it to keep winning.

"No," Loki muttered, "and I don't want to let this keep beating me either. I'm so tired with all of this."

Thor quickly pulled Loki in his arms and Loki clung tightly to him and let himself be comforted, let him hear the soothing words that promised to protect him. Let himself feel safe again. Dr Banner smiled as he scribbled on his clipboard, this was a start, a good start and he felt confident Loki would be able to go home in a few weeks.

<><><><> 

**Two years later.**

Loki was looking around his room to make sure that he had packed everything away properly and that he wasn't forgetting anything. His bags were organized and packed and he had his phone in his pocket, his sweater was lying on his bed for him to put on later. It looked like he had gotten everything and Loki placed his hands on his hips and smiled, pleased with himself. He heard a light knock on the door and turned to see his mother smiling at him and stepping into his room.

"Got everything packed and ready?" She asked and Loki nodded and watched as his mother looked around his bare room with a sad smile on her lovely face. Loki stepped towards her and gave her a hug which she returned gladly, Loki had grown to detest hugs but he would still hug his mother.

When Loki pulled back he gave his mother a confident smile and said, "I'll be okay."

Frigga pushed a strand of Loki's hair behind his ear before placing it fondly against his cheek and softly said, "I know sweetheart."

Loki had been doing really well these last two years after leaving the mental health hospital. Dr Banner had worked with him diligently, helping Loki on his way to recovery. It had involved a lot of talking, though he never asked Loki to talk about his attack or the rape which he was grateful for. Instead he talked to Loki about his fears, his worries, what made him feel lonely, helpless, or paranoid. He helped Loki find other ways to deal when the memories or thoughts or nightmares became too much. To cope with that didn't involve cutting or drinking, though he still sometimes struggled with cutting but Dr Banner had told him that was normal and as long as he didn't give in to the urge to cut every time he was still doing well.

Loki would instead take a few deep breaths until he felt settled and focused on  _now_ instead of  _then_. He would write little stories that he was surprised he was actually quite good at. He would go on a run with his brother, or bake something with his mother, or help his father with something. He spent more time with his family and even a little with Thor's friends, though his relationship with Jane was still rocky, Loki had been extremely grateful when he had heard Thor hadn't told her what happened to him. Loki felt much happier and like himself. He still sometimes saw Dr Banner when he needed to, otherwise he was doing fine on his own. He had also been on a few medication but over the two years Dr Banner had pulled some of them back so now Loki only had some for when his anxiety or depression got too out of hand.

As for his fears that his rapist would come after him again they proved unnecessary. Odin and Frigga had fought to have him jailed again but they hadn't succeeded. The man had moved away though, he was being harassed, had lost his job, his family here wasn't speaking to him, and his house and car were constantly being vandalized. Loki strongly suspected the majority of that vandalism had been done by Thor and his friends but neither said a word about it. It might not have been the justice his family wanted but Loki was just relieved that his rapist was far away from him.

Both Loki and Frigga turned when they heard another knock and saw Thor, a wide smile on his face, entering Loki's room. "Ready to go?" He asked.

Thor had joined Loki on a few of his sessions with Dr Banner. Part of it was because it made Loki feel safer when he still hadn't completely trusted the doctor. Another part was so that Thor could get some help dealing with his own trauma and his guilt. It had also drawn the brothers to become as close as they were before to which they had both been grateful to. Loki was starting his first year of college while Thor was to start his fourth year and they were moving into an apartment together where they would continue to stay until at least Loki graduated from college. Loki was actually looking forward to it as much as Thor was.

"I'm ready." Loki answered grabbing his bags and heading down the stairs to say a quick goodbye to his father before he and Thor packed the car with their stuff. Odin and Frigga had insisted in one last family meal together and the brothers happily obliged before leaving for their new apartment, which was only a few blocks away. But Loki couldn't really blame them, in the past four years Loki had spent two of them distancing himself from his family and nearly a year recovering. His parents wanted to make up for lost time and so did Loki.

Once they were done eating Thor and Loki finished loading up the car, said their final farewell to their parents, and drove off to their new apartment.

As Loki let his arm hang on the car door, listening to what Thor insisted was music, he reflected a bit on his life and how far he'd come. He still sometimes wore long sleeves to cover his arms, but not always. He wasn't ashamed of his scars for they were proof that Loki had survived and he still sometimes ran his fingers over them, whether they were pink and shining, white and slightly fading, slightly raised, or bumpy Loki touched them all to remind himself he was still here. He also didn't feel as ashamed as he used to or blamed himself for the attack and he didn't let his fear control him.

He still sometimes had those nightmares were he was being chased and something was trying to drag him into the dark, but they didn't affect them as much. He still had moments when he felt helpless or paranoid that someone was going to jump out and grab him. He was still wary around strangers and tensed up whenever he was touched. And there were still moments when his depression or anxiety got to be too much, when memories of the attack will surface and Loki had to deal with them. But he was all right.

Though Thor was the one who had ultimately saved him that night on the bridge Loki was surviving. He found himself again. Loki had survived.

**~The End~**


End file.
